652. The Curaçao Name Generator

If Matt Smith from Mississippi had been from Curaçao, he would’ve probably been named Matthelton Schmijtens. (You, Too, Can Be From Curaçao) We couldn’t agree more.

In fact, we feel sorry for Matt (if that’s even his name). Couldn’t his parents have thought of a less generic name? Needless to say, we’ll be referring to him as Matthelton Schmijtens from now on. (We realize he might struggle with the ‘Sch’ at first, so we’re enrolling him in a Dutch language class.)

Alert the name authorities, will ya?

Matthelton Schmijtens writes: “Any day now one of the most esteemed records in professional sports, the Japanese single-season home run mark, will be toppled by a man whose name nobody can pronounce.” (See: #661. Curaçao’s Slugger Coco Balentien = Japan’s Babe Ruth)

“This seems to be a recurring problem with people from Curaçao.”

Yep.

See: here, here, here.

“Even if you can master the name of the country itself, you get there and you have to make friends with folks named Andrelton Simmons and Jair Jurrjens and Hensley Meulens and Jonathan Schoop.”

According to Matthelton Schmijtens “names that sound like regular names from around the world, if regular names were torn into pieces, put into a hat, shaken thoroughly, and reconstituted by small children.”

Born and raised in Mississippi, poor Matt (that’s his nickname, btw) grew up dreaming of hitting it big in the Major Leagues and gets most of his international news from the back of Baseball cards.

Matt started to wonder… ‘Could my entirely generic name be holding me back??’ So he set out to crack the “Curaçaoan code” and “deciphered the rules by which [Curaçao] parents christen their offspring.”

Ready?

1. Begin with your own, existing, perfectly adequate name.
2. Remove one letter at random.
3. If your name contains an “s,” replace it with “sch.”
4. Insert one “j” or “w” in your name at a position of aesthetic felicity.
5. Select one of the following changes to make to your first name:
– Append either “elton” or “ickson.” If your name is one syllable, simply add the suffix to the end. If more than one, replace the final syllable, starting with its first vowel.
– Take the first consonant and the first vowel of the name and repeat it. E.g., “Brad” becomes “Baba.”
– Append either “ly” or “ley.”
6. Select one of the following changes to make to your last name:
– Append one of the following: “a,” “ius,” or “ens.”
– Take one vowel and double it. E.g., “Jones” becomes “Joones.”
7. If still dissatisfied, cut one syllable from either name and insert it randomly into the other.

(below are some of the readers’ randomly generated names, we can’t help but credit authenticity when we see it):

Patrickson Hoomerjens

Jakickson Miltonerly

Juschtickson Graay

Zachrickson Wreynooldsch

Newilton Paattjens

Dadamnelton Flewetens

Admelton Pjeterschens

Wlaeickson Riizzardini

Enilton Schaanorius… Like my regular name, with a touch of claass.

And “If no one makes a web application to automate this in the next 24 hours, we have failed as a nation.”

——–

Putting Curaçao on the map, one awesome mash-up name at a time.

Cheers to being AWESOME, Curaçao.

About 1000awesomethingsaboutcuracao

I'm Carolina Gomes-Casseres, the creator of 1000 Awesome Things About Curaçao. I live in and love Manhattan, but sometimes miss my first Awesome island...

3 comments

  1. jelca

    I’m Jelca Sorine and when I was young starting to live in Holland, even classmates had trouble pronouncing my name and strangers still do. But its more common lately and just shows that people don’t really listen and just presume things ‘that sound like’…what ever is normal to them. i’d become like Joko Sabrina or something. than again, if we’d all be living there it would get very crowded. Adding some sch or more G wouldn’t hurt here for we speak dutch.

  2. jelca

    funny: I had written I miss my place of birth, but its disappeared. Just before -than again….crowded.-

  3. I loved this! Cracked me up, but it’s totally true🙂 Your blog never disappoints, Carolina.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: