If Matt Smith from Mississippi had been from Curaçao, he would’ve probably been named Matthelton Schmijtens. (You, Too, Can Be From Curaçao) We couldn’t agree more.
In fact, we feel sorry for Matt (if that’s even his name). Couldn’t his parents have thought of a less generic name? Needless to say, we’ll be referring to him as Matthelton Schmijtens from now on. (We realize he might struggle with the ‘Sch’ at first, so we’re enrolling him in a Dutch language class.)
Alert the name authorities, will ya?
Matthelton Schmijtens writes: “Any day now one of the most esteemed records in professional sports, the Japanese single-season home run mark, will be toppled by a man whose name nobody can pronounce.” (See: #661. Curaçao’s Slugger Coco Balentien = Japan’s Babe Ruth)
“This seems to be a recurring problem with people from Curaçao.”
According to Matthelton Schmijtens “names that sound like regular names from around the world, if regular names were torn into pieces, put into a hat, shaken thoroughly, and reconstituted by small children.”
Born and raised in Mississippi, poor Matt (that’s his nickname, btw) grew up dreaming of hitting it big in the Major Leagues and gets most of his international news from the back of Baseball cards.
Matt started to wonder… ‘Could my entirely generic name be holding me back??’ So he set out to crack the “Curaçaoan code” and “deciphered the rules by which [Curaçao] parents christen their offspring.”
1. Begin with your own, existing, perfectly adequate name.
2. Remove one letter at random.
3. If your name contains an “s,” replace it with “sch.”
4. Insert one “j” or “w” in your name at a position of aesthetic felicity.
5. Select one of the following changes to make to your first name:
– Append either “elton” or “ickson.” If your name is one syllable, simply add the suffix to the end. If more than one, replace the final syllable, starting with its first vowel.
– Take the first consonant and the first vowel of the name and repeat it. E.g., “Brad” becomes “Baba.”
– Append either “ly” or “ley.”
6. Select one of the following changes to make to your last name:
– Append one of the following: “a,” “ius,” or “ens.”
– Take one vowel and double it. E.g., “Jones” becomes “Joones.”
7. If still dissatisfied, cut one syllable from either name and insert it randomly into the other.
Enilton Schaanorius… Like my regular name, with a touch of claass.
And “If no one makes a web application to automate this in the next 24 hours, we have failed as a nation.”
Putting Curaçao on the map, one awesome mash-up name at a time.
Cheers to being AWESOME, Curaçao.